Shut me out

Why have a cared this much, for this many years? What do I have to show. Dare I reflect?

Love isn't an excuse for insanity it is insanity. It's got me in knots that are too tight for my bitten finger nails to penetrate. But this is love when it's rejected; when it's cornered, and then boxed in. I have no outlet. So I write this down in hopes of catharsis. To escape. To break these walls down. But I know I'll just wind up tired and I won't be able to clean up the mess. I'm already tired. I'm sick. The emotional kind. The kind that makes you lose your appetite even if you were hungry. And I know I'm a good sport but I still feel sligthly empty when I lose and completely empty when I never win. I start to question why I should show up to play. But I always do, and I always bring team drinks. I do it out of sincerity. Because I believe in the cause and in the dream. Because I wake up proud that I loved. Proud that my heart is larger than you could ever imagine. Proud that at least I know what love can be.

True love is robust. It pushes you forward, it makes you stronger than you could ever be alone. It scares you because you wonder what would happen if it were somehow taken for granted. And upon being taken for granted, if it were ignored. Would it then cease to breathe? Would you cease to breath? You wonder. And then you stop.

I have to walk away from this. I will teach myself not to hang onto your every word. Not to assume that because you don't want to see me today that it doesn't mean you don't want to see me. Friends are allowed to be busy. It's just that it hurts when busy seems to be used as an excuse. The worst excueses are those that use half truths as foundations. It's not honest and friends are honest.

So I tell myself to shut up as I feel shut out. To quiet my head. I can change. I am not static. I am free. I feel better. I love without regret.