The Adventures of Hernan Cortez (Part I)

Hernan was aching for adventure. But the ache was actually his hip. It had been dislocated when he fought a man that, like Hernan, was not participating in siesta that day. Hernan hated siestas, but really he was just angry. Angry enough to read books on anger management. But in 1524 there weren't many books on anger management, so Hernan was just angry. When Hernan went sailing he really went sailing. He went to America. It wasn't America then, he called it Indian Land. He wasn't racist but some revisionists say he was. If Hernan were alive today he'd conquistador their ass. Anyhow, on his trip to America Hernan ended up meeting people he didn't know before. They didn't look like him because they weren't him. They were Indians and they had bows and arrows and llamas. Hernan thought they were stupid people. So he shot some and captured some and called it christianizing. He didn't know what chritianizing was. He thought it meant ass kicking. Either way, he did it in the name of the Queen who by the way liked Mangos, but she didn't know it yet because Mangos are from the New World and the New World was discovered like 3 days ago her time. Hernan learned to play hide and seek when he was 17. It came in handy in the Americas. He was really good at it. He played all the time. One time he hid for 12 days and his crew couldn't find him. He had to give himself up because he was hungry and didn't know how to feed himself. His crew wasn't happy to see him, they were wasted on bootleged rum. ::end of transmission::