Where are you?

Hopefully i end up with a game plan by the end of this.

So I made out with a girl in Valdivia and now I have strep. I am pretty sure I am the only person i know who would take an event like that to an extreme like this.

I feel like it's an STD. I'm not only sick physically but i am a little sick of myself. If I had known the girl this wouldn't have happened, I mean who makes out with someone they know is sick, let alone has strep. The girl was cute. Yeah. She was Chilean. Yeah. We were dancing all night. Yeah. So what? YEAH. I mean shit she had a toung ring...that shit is sketchy enough in the States, so in Chile...yeah double sketch. Still it's so damn hard to wish I hadn't, even though I believe to my inner soul that it was wrong. Fun can be wrong.

I mean for so long I had a rule against drinking at all. Now I drink and I am reaping what I sow. There is no fucking point to it. I don't need it to relax. For me it's just a fix. I don't believe in fixes, I believe in sustaining reality and basking in its glory.

Before I left for Chile I went up to Sonoma. I made out with Alex. I hate that bitch. I have for a long time and I have no idea why I let her back in. I wish I knew what turned her so evil, and I can't help but hope that it wasn't me. I wish I could take it all back. She was cheap...all we had was sexual. She was a disater, I said it from the first day we got reaquainted 5 years ago. That never changed...why didn't I just cut it off. Yeah I know...how else do you learn right? But the thing is I learned what she was about far before I gave my first kiss to here and spent my first night in her bed. We never had sex and i am grateful for that, but it was sexual... and those memories, those embraces will always haunt me. That part of my life was so complex. I could qrite a set of books...and it wouldn't be a good read...itd be Danielle Steele shit, the kind of thing you read as a guilty pleasure, the kind that you finish reading and jump into the shower after because you feel fucking dirty.


And then there is Valine, who I lied to about how I felt. I lied to myself. I convinced myself i really had feeling for her... but it was all sexual yet again. Fuck, I am so damn sick of this emptyness. SEND me something I can recognize! A girl i can love through and through...one that will love me back. That was the problem with Tanya. The only one girl I can say I really did love. And she wanted nothing to do with me, or did she, no...she always just toyed with me, with the idea of me. I hope she finds someone who loves her...i really do. In the end though I am not really remorseful about her, when I look book and I think about he rand who she is, it was never really right. I need something more.

So now here I am. I got some crush on some Chilena. Not the girl I danced with but another. A girl that peeked my attention even before I landed in Conce. But somehting is different about this one. She is awake. Her eyes see. I need that. I need someone with the potential to understand me. I thought, yeah...right tim...im so sure, you just want to live down here, and your looking for a girl to marry..you are creating this shit. But i dont think so. I really don't becaus eshe sees it in me to. this isn't some drunken hook up, it isn't sexual tension, it's more. Yet its possible, i must admit to myself...its possible that i just want to love, and that I need someone to love and that she just came around at the right time. But that is true of all of us...and for the firs ttime in a long time this wouldn't be cheap. Seriously though. Who knows, she could blow me off. I haven't said anything to her, its all very coy at this point. I also think she is a little immature...or insecure...i think insecure, and I wonder why. Its that kind of stuff. That fact that I wonder that makes me think this is different. I haven't done this since tanya. My heart beats hard at random when shes around to...I think itd be worse if there wasnt the language barrier. Thats the only thing that keeps me back....i can't explain myself fully and I need that more than anything. Thats me....i dont stop thinking and I dont stop talking. One or the other or both, 24/7. Hah, somtimes i even like being sick, because I slow down....my mind does fly so fast. Awww Nati...what am I going to do about you. I guess I'll just say a prayer, for you, and that i may get to confession this week because Danielle Steele ain't got nothing on me. I need to be clean, I need to apologize to Valine.