Tears

I know I am supposed to do something big, really stir some shit up. This last week or two I have felt useless. I haven't been productive and I am constantly with my girlfriend or with friends. The good news is that my religious life is some how, well it's progressing, hard to say it's better but it is progressing. The thing is the life I am leading now, I mean the fact that I have been more lazy than usual, even though I am not lazy, is okay for the majority, but for me its just so damn unacceptable. I can't live like this and I know it. And Naty. I love her. Something in her, it cries to be loved. It cries to me. And my friends wouldn't get that, they don't get how much we have in common or how or lives seem to constantly be in parallel. So much shit about this trip about all this experience seems so damn surreal. I am in a foreign country and I am came to learn Spanish, and to be exposed to Latin America. I will come back nearly fluent and most likely I will end up marrying this girl, barring any unforeseen occurrences. I have already learned so much about myself. I am my own biggest critic. I know my defaults, my weaknesses. I suck at concentrating, I am not good an relaxing, I eat when I am nervous, and in general I just eat. I am not confident when it comes to girls, not even Naty. The thing about that though, is that now I know we are in love, and that it is completely mutual, cause she gets nervous too. She wants me around as much as I want her around, which is always, but both of us are afraid to act on that, I mean like calling each other and being like where are you or whatever...i mean we do but its always in jest, always jokingly. She just so damn young you know, and sometimes its so damn obvious, but its not a young in the sense that she be more experienced than she is, she isn't naive, she just has a lot more to see, and she is a freshman. But this girl...God knows, something in her, her eyes are open and she's confident, i see myself in her sometimes...but its not me I am seeing its that spark, that spark that presents itself in the eyes of those who know they are meant for more. The saints. The ones who know who they are but aren't sure how to act on that fact, the kind that if they meditate enough, if they have the right teacher...have no limits. We could be something ridiculous. I need her support, she's got a flare about her, a no bullshit attitude, and I need that, cause I drag my feet...i always drag my feet and I always am saying sorry and apologizing and regretting instead of going, moving forward. I need to do my prayers and my reflections 3 times a day. No matter what. No matter what. I need to control my eating and I need to stop procrastinating. I need to get good sleep and I need to exercise. I need God, I beg God to show me how to organize my life so that I may do his bidding in its every aspect. I am His in the end. I love my life and I love existence. I pray for those who do not. I want to wake them up. It is what I live for. Watch out MTV I pulled your card first.

wake up to live please

I feel like for the last week or so I have been in a total daze. I think it's the fact that I have a girlfriend. The fact that in my free time i am usually with her. The fact that this all I want and that always is never enough. I have never had a girlfriend. And so I start to doubt myself. I must be naive. I know nothing about what it takes or what it means to have a girlfriend. All I know is that I love her, that I constantly long to have her at my side. I know people would give me shit if they knew I told her that I loved her. After two weeks. Fuck. Then I think about the future and how if we really end up staying together...i mean really staying together how cute that would be, the fact that i knew from the outset, that maybe I'm really not that naive, because i really feel this. Through and through.

The other thing is that I want to wake up. I am a gift of purity. I thought that was the key. Now i think I need to do more fasting and make more sacrifices. To offer them to God and to take control of myself.

I always think about the concept of being a soldier for Christ these days. About how its a different type of soldier. A more powerful soldier that finds his strength in his weakness, in his completely commitment and servitude to Christ.

I want to write more on both of these things, but i am tired. going to bed. hopefully tomorrow...

Mi amor en cuerpo en alma.

Vuelve corazón, Vuelve a mi lado.

I love that she's happy. I love that she smiles and is constantly laughing with her friends. I love that she loves life and that she has growing up to do. I love that she looks at me when we kiss, and that she knew why I walked through the crowd in the manner that I did the other day. I love little kids. She and I already have enough names for ten. Who the hell does that? Who the hell decides after a week and a half of dating that the wedding will take place in Chile and that it will not happen in the states. And then we look at each other and both agree that none of this is our fault but God's. Who blames God for these kind of things out of love? To think I could say, and have said, that I love this girl. We are ridiculous. I mean I understand Spanish, but at this point I definitely can't speak it as well as I want to or will. It is still so basic, but the way she holds on to me makes me feel like I've already learned it. It's not even a question that I will. That's even crazy. I will speak Spanish, and I will probably have Spanish speaking children with a Chilean mother. I can't believe I just said that either, but seriously, I haven't been this sure of anything, like this, ever in my life. Ridiculous. I am going to stop writing. I am scarring myself. But the last thing. her smile. I can't get over it. i see it and i am completely in love, and that face she makes, the one where she is pleased at life and herself...that one. I hope I don't ever forget that face when I have to leave. I don't want to leave. I will come back, but I don't to leave her, it all seems so cruel. fuck.