little

I still love her. Well you. At least I hold on to the only definition I know of love, which is you. I always thought my first kiss would go to you. If you were to read this, if you ever do, then you know who you are. Because it will be more than obvious once you're through. I was always planning on saving it, just like I was always planning on marrying you. I think it was at 17. It was somewhere during that year, between seeing you for the first time in a long time and you getting a boyfriend that I of course thought was a loser because he wasn't me. I realized I couldn't keep rereading our unfinished fairytale. You were responsible for the climax of that story you know. When you told me I was your prince charming, the one you had always hoped would come and sweep you off your feet. I loved camp because of you. I came because of you. Is that lame? I don't think so I was so young and like I said, you were my definition. The girl I kissed, I think she thinks she loves me. It worries me because I don't love her. I don't mean to make her sound unworthy, she wasn't. She is my closest girl-friend, but I promised myself I'd only kiss the one I loved. But I've been so curious about it, and why everyone always makes it seem so powerful. Well it is. Losing innocence always is. I still miss you, I always miss you. I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong when I did it. I still don't. But I do wish it had gone to you. I always will. love, tim

One day I'll fail to breathe, and all you'll have are memories

Better Open the Door

I start over once a month. Sometimes five times. My confessor wears black but it's the white in his collar that I'm drawn to. I come to regain my innocence, but mostly because I'd like to maintain it. The majority of Catholics just don't get confession so I don't expect anyone outside of the church to. So many of us would love to make amends with God and with our past transgressions, to move forward.

I hate that Eastern religions are seen as so damn transcendental. So much more spiritual. I'll tell you that I would have never remained Catholic if it weren't for its meditations and philosophers. I'll be the first one to say that their is something special to Buddhism and Hinduism and all of their offshoots. I won't knock them, I've barely tried them. I'm just saying Catholicism is equally if not more divine. And yeah it drives me up the wall that the secular world seems more apt to accept eastern religions as applicable to the undeniable metaphysical side of the human being. Honestly, It must be that Christianity is so foundational to "western secularism and humanism" that its spirtual teachings and practices have been forgotten to, my archnemesis, complacency. It's just a thought. There is so much more to it I know and as I write this I can think of some tons of other reasons. i wish this had been more eloquent. But i miss a friend. And I'd like to talk with her. stream of conciousness has come to a close for tonight.