first of november

its the first of november. all saints day. i drank on halloween but,did not get drunk. bueno. i miss naty. i really do. i love her and i think we will get married. who wouldn't want to come to a chilean wedding. really? i mean. come on. love tim.

H to the IZZO V to the IZZE

Life. It turns on you. You have to thank God for the good times and remember that they can get bad. That you can hit rock bottom, and still get up, and get up fighting. I don't understand my girlfriend. And I am not talking about the language barrier. I am talking about the fact that I don't get her, I mean I do a little more each day but yeah...this whole weekend I was worried. I was worried because I love her and because I can't take another heart break. I can't take another Tanya who doesn't know what's shes got when she's got it or when its gone. She was right though. I didn't love her, I wanted to, but I didn't. I hope God gives her what she deserves, a good guy who will treat her better then a loser like Stevie ever could. But yeah, enough of that. Cause I am in love, and this time it is what it should be. She fits me. Well. But the last two weekends I was home. I was home because there was the possibility of going with her to Lota, a small mining town on the dilapidated Carbon Coast of Chile. But it never happened. And then at school, she doesn't show the same affection that she does when we are anywhere else. And its not the public, or her friends that bug her, no she's an extrovert, its the other gringos. Anyway...the thing is that after coming of a weekend where the girl doesn't even call me, but texts me about how she can't go and that she's sorry and how "te quiero's" me...yeah, it's just tough to know how she really feels. But then today happened. And it was all me and my crazy head, per usual. We talk about the craziest shit. About how we are going to have tons of kids, and get married in Chile. Yeah. God gave me this one for sure. Sorry about the stream of consciousness, but the truth is you shouldn't be reading this anyway. This is my blog and it's for my eyes only. Thanks God, for Naty. And for the fact that you do this crazy stuff to me. I am yours. always and for ever, unto enternity. Like I had a choice.

Kill it.

I am not going to worry about this anymore. I am going to give it to God, like I should have done to begin with. It was his gist to give and mine to be grateful for. If it works out great, if not then it wasn't meant to be. This is the truth of it. The other side is that I am in love with this girl, and I don't want to lose her, I wan tto grow with her and i want her to know how much she means to me. I want to learn spanish so I can communicate her, it is now my strongest motivation. I have been looking for this for such a long time, something real, and not cheap. I will continue to pray but I will cease to worry.

Who are you?

Who are You?

Romans 12:2: Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

View of God

First and foremost God is love and God’s love manifests itself in us through his Grace and our Faith. God thirsts for our love and for our complete commitment to him. He thirsts for souls. God is Truth and his truth is peace. His peace is manifested through his truth because his truth brings order and without his order there is Chaos. Christ is his son and he is our Sheppard, Christ came to earth so that we would be made new and whole in him with the guidance of the Holy Spirit who is still with us today. Christ is the Eucharist and the Mass is Heaven on Earth. God is not a judge in the human sense of the term, in that his judgment is not driven by his desire to punish but by his love for us and his desire that we live our lives to their fullest potential. Only by following God’s law can we fully recognize who we are and what we are meant to be come. His laws are not to be thought of as boundaries in which we are trapped and can not escape but instead markers on a path that we must follow in order to have peace in our daily lives and to finally come to rest in the eternal peace that is heaven. God wants only the best for his children and His love is the key.

View of what’s really “reality”?

Reality is that our existence is precious. Reality is that we were given the gift of life and that our life is a life of service to God and his people. Reality is that we must love or perish. Reality is that this world is based in the truth of God and his plan for humanity. We do not decide this plan for ourselves or for others; we merely discern this path and freely choose to follow or not to follow it. Either we think we know better or we admit that God knows all and that we are dependent on his revelation. This world IS NOT relative. In reality this world is in chaos because we have chosen to be our own god. Reality is that we were made in the image and likeness of God, but we are NOT god. We are merely a manifestation of him and for this we must be careful not to fall into the trap of self worship and salvation. This is why there is so much Chaos, because we have forgotten who we are and we have forgotten that our knowledge and lives are finite, where as God’s knowledge and existence is infinite and not limited by the flesh. Reality is that with out love God’s light can not shine, we must be the light in this world of darkness and we can not be this light with out committing ourselves completely to servitude in Christ. In service, Christ shines through our example, because in service we are a manifestation of Christ and his total love and commitment to humanity.

View of humanity?

Humanity is made up of many individuals who collectively belong to one body, that body is the human family, and the human family is the body of Christ. Each of us is connected to the other in this bond, and we must always be aware of the need to help our brother so as to help ourselves. Each human being is heaven sent and called to sainthood. We are meant to love God and to serve him, this commitment is to manifest itself in our love for our brother and out of our love for the gift of life. Humanity will perish with out the truth of Christ and with out his love. Humanity is in chaos because it has forgotten Christ and it has forgotten its brothers. It is selfish and it is self-serving. This is contrary to who we are and what we are meant to be. Because of this we will continue to suffer and the current apocalypse will continue as the rivers run red with the blood of the hungry, the impoverished, and war.

View of moral order (What’s right and what’s wrong?)

Right is the path of Christ, wrong is any path that does not conform to his ideals. Let me be clear that it is possible to follow the path of Christ without acknowledging it is the path of Christ. Even still, it is still the path of Christ and for this it is right, not because you decided it is right. Wrong is not subscribing to the truth, not admitting that there is actual truth, or outright rejecting truth. Relativism is wrong and it manifests itself in the reckless endangerment of you and your brothers. Wrong is considering yourself the be all and the end all. In the end you are nothing without Christ, from dust you came and from dust you will return. Being humble is right.

View of purpose (why things exist?)

We exist to love and to rejoice in the fact that we were given life in order to share in God’s eternal Glory. Life is the greatest gift and for this gift we are joyfully and eternally indebted to God our Father. We repay this debt with love and the discernment of His will. This itself is a gift because through our love and our service to him and our common man we recognize our full potential and find peace in our lives.

que fucking loco

Yeah. pay no attention to the last post. it was garbled, becaus ei was tired...i am going to write a better version tomorrow. what i want to say now is that I am in love...for reals.

tanya no. alex...most def no. val...wish it had never happened. Naty...sealed.

This one is all God and not on me, or on her for that matter. We got thrown in eachothers path and choose to continue on together. I would say I love her now but I cant. It kinda freaks me out a little. I didnt see this coming. The way we click, our values, the things we wnat out of life, our commitment to Christ. Ahh...i just had to put something down. More on this later. For now just know i owe the Big Guy big time.

i am

I want to love Christ with all my heart. I want to be a happy, about living. I want to smile and I want to work with the poor.

I want to give the poor at heart my love.
I want to give the poor in spirt desire to know Christ.
I want to be a good example.
I want to be inviting, not confrontational.

Mostly I want a big heart that loves unconditional and that find sits strength in Christ, becaus ehe is the one who taught me how to love.

I want to learn spanish, know how to fly planes, and to live in South America. If my wife happens to be South American...well let's just say I am shooting for that.

Most of all I just wan tto be a good exmaple of love of life and of Christ who is the perfection of both, and who gave me both. He is the man I desire to model my life after.

I want to read more philosophy, especially Greek and Roman, and I want to understand what western society is and why I should prescribe to it.

I want to read mor ebooks about international politics, especially in South America.

I want to be a diplomat because to help people. I want to make the right decisions, and believe that if I put my trust in God and am critical of myself I can do this, better than those in office now.

I beleive that the human being is more than just some animal. I belive he is meant for greatness. I believe we are all saints.

I love discerning. I want to get married. I want to love who I marry with all my heart and nothing less. I want to have children who look up to me even if they don't always agree with the things I say.

I long for a girl that will love me as much as I love her. I don't like being teased with, and I hate that it always happens to me.

I want my wife to be my biggest critic and biggest fan, and I want to be the same for her. I want to stare in her eyes and tell her how much i love her daily. I want to randomly smile when I remember something she said or did the day before, especially when I miss her.

I want to be selfless.

I want to be reflective and awake.

I want to be the best best friend I can be. I want to be the confidant they can really trust.

I want people to feel like asking my advice, because I really have advice worth giving.

I want to help.

I will never stop striving for sainthood.

I hate lying. I hate that it takes a piece of my pride.

I don't want to be promiscuous. I want to be a pure and chaste gift to my spouse. I want to stay that way once we are married.

I will never again make out with someone I am not in love with. It is cheap. And it means something so much more.

I will LEARN spanish.

I will go to confession once a week.

I will tell Nati how I feel.

I will pray daily and I will never forget that I am always in the presence of God.

I want to always be reading something that has to do with catholic spirituality and I will always have a spiritual director that I make use of.

I am smart, and I will make use of this for the good of others and subit myself to the will of Christ in that respect.

MOSTLY I JUST WANT TO LOVE AND LIVE.

Tim

Where are you?

Hopefully i end up with a game plan by the end of this.

So I made out with a girl in Valdivia and now I have strep. I am pretty sure I am the only person i know who would take an event like that to an extreme like this.

I feel like it's an STD. I'm not only sick physically but i am a little sick of myself. If I had known the girl this wouldn't have happened, I mean who makes out with someone they know is sick, let alone has strep. The girl was cute. Yeah. She was Chilean. Yeah. We were dancing all night. Yeah. So what? YEAH. I mean shit she had a toung ring...that shit is sketchy enough in the States, so in Chile...yeah double sketch. Still it's so damn hard to wish I hadn't, even though I believe to my inner soul that it was wrong. Fun can be wrong.

I mean for so long I had a rule against drinking at all. Now I drink and I am reaping what I sow. There is no fucking point to it. I don't need it to relax. For me it's just a fix. I don't believe in fixes, I believe in sustaining reality and basking in its glory.

Before I left for Chile I went up to Sonoma. I made out with Alex. I hate that bitch. I have for a long time and I have no idea why I let her back in. I wish I knew what turned her so evil, and I can't help but hope that it wasn't me. I wish I could take it all back. She was cheap...all we had was sexual. She was a disater, I said it from the first day we got reaquainted 5 years ago. That never changed...why didn't I just cut it off. Yeah I know...how else do you learn right? But the thing is I learned what she was about far before I gave my first kiss to here and spent my first night in her bed. We never had sex and i am grateful for that, but it was sexual... and those memories, those embraces will always haunt me. That part of my life was so complex. I could qrite a set of books...and it wouldn't be a good read...itd be Danielle Steele shit, the kind of thing you read as a guilty pleasure, the kind that you finish reading and jump into the shower after because you feel fucking dirty.


And then there is Valine, who I lied to about how I felt. I lied to myself. I convinced myself i really had feeling for her... but it was all sexual yet again. Fuck, I am so damn sick of this emptyness. SEND me something I can recognize! A girl i can love through and through...one that will love me back. That was the problem with Tanya. The only one girl I can say I really did love. And she wanted nothing to do with me, or did she, no...she always just toyed with me, with the idea of me. I hope she finds someone who loves her...i really do. In the end though I am not really remorseful about her, when I look book and I think about he rand who she is, it was never really right. I need something more.

So now here I am. I got some crush on some Chilena. Not the girl I danced with but another. A girl that peeked my attention even before I landed in Conce. But somehting is different about this one. She is awake. Her eyes see. I need that. I need someone with the potential to understand me. I thought, yeah...right tim...im so sure, you just want to live down here, and your looking for a girl to marry..you are creating this shit. But i dont think so. I really don't becaus eshe sees it in me to. this isn't some drunken hook up, it isn't sexual tension, it's more. Yet its possible, i must admit to myself...its possible that i just want to love, and that I need someone to love and that she just came around at the right time. But that is true of all of us...and for the firs ttime in a long time this wouldn't be cheap. Seriously though. Who knows, she could blow me off. I haven't said anything to her, its all very coy at this point. I also think she is a little immature...or insecure...i think insecure, and I wonder why. Its that kind of stuff. That fact that I wonder that makes me think this is different. I haven't done this since tanya. My heart beats hard at random when shes around to...I think itd be worse if there wasnt the language barrier. Thats the only thing that keeps me back....i can't explain myself fully and I need that more than anything. Thats me....i dont stop thinking and I dont stop talking. One or the other or both, 24/7. Hah, somtimes i even like being sick, because I slow down....my mind does fly so fast. Awww Nati...what am I going to do about you. I guess I'll just say a prayer, for you, and that i may get to confession this week because Danielle Steele ain't got nothing on me. I need to be clean, I need to apologize to Valine.

Give me beauty, they want death.

I swear you'd be claustrophobic if you could comprehend your tunnel. If you would only wake yourself to your routine, smash the opaque glass and let the air rush in, replacing that recycled air.
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My curse, my salvation is that I know I can't stop looking. I won't stop looking. Because when I do, I'm you. I see how your eyes are closed. I know you. I know the feeling because I know myself and I know the struggle. The difference is I recognize it. I embrace it. I love it. But I admit to you, I did not teach myself.

It's like this: I know its not important for you to see. Why would it be? You wake up asleep and align your wheels on the same rusted track. No need to be conscious for this, you know the drill. Back and forth, nothing new, everyday, every mountain, every inch like the one before it. The repetition, you know it so well. You feel safe. You don't step outside to take a look, to question yourself, your surroundings, to make a change. Yet the empty comfort of monotony irks your soul and your soul screams, it screams because its trapped, bottled tight within you. But it does not wish to escape. No. It wants to function. It wants to feel, but can't because you won't. You don't allow it, because you're afraid of what it means to live. You're afraid of what you don't want to believe. What you can't believe. There is no order you shout! This life is relative! I live by my rules and I am free to make my own decisions based on MY judgment. This is my path. I am my own salvation.

And so you remain blind. You don't want to comprehend the chaos that surrounds us, because you can't explain it yourself. You try now and then, but you get stuck, you get fed up. Maybe you try to do something about it, but eventually you give up, you think, "I need to get back to my life." "What kind of world is this anyway?," you ask. This world that murders and hates and tolerates. It's too damn much to take in. And so, you sit back with your remote, because for you, it's enough to take note of the horrible cries, and then turn the channel. Numb.

But what is that...you hear it again, from deep down, you become annoyed. Why can't I ignore it! Your soul screams louder. Its sound is so damn familiar. Still, you know how to drown it out because this isn't the first time its asked for your help, and though its yell loses strength with each depressing episode, you find that each one always ends the same...and there's comfort in that. You grab for what you know: the drugs, the sex, the food; a gutter chalk full with self-abuse. You've quenched your thirst with the escape you craved, but in the morning you wake up cold and cotton mouthed. Alone. Again.


Ramblings for later expansion...

This is where you will stay, unless you break from your routine and unless you question yourself and realize that true freedom is self-control, that there is joy in suffering, and that there is judgment in your life after death. You will wake up when you submit yourself to the love of the Father and His guidance alone. You scoff at his laws, his commandments and his rules, but what you fail to see is that they are guidelines and they are absolute, they are not relative because truth is not relative. Thus neither is this life. It has order...and so you wonder about why the world is then in chaos, and I respond that the chaos is you, it's relativism’s deadly character to send us all in conflicting directions. We crash without traffic lights.

When you awake, remember that there is a war being fought. You are meant to be a soldier. It is a spiritual battle against the evil that has lulled us to sleep. The devil does not want us to open out eyes. He does not want us to feel, he does not want us to realize that we are heaven sent, that we are meant to be saints.

When we open our eyes we are amazed by the darkness, and drawn instinctively into the light.
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If you'd only give life instead of take it. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so sick over this, if when you took life you realized it wasn’t for you to take and that you’re lucky you have the ability to make….if you only knew what it was you were erasing.

Existence is precious.