You

Then I found her and I knew why it had taken so long.

Tears

I know I am supposed to do something big, really stir some shit up. This last week or two I have felt useless. I haven't been productive and I am constantly with my girlfriend or with friends. The good news is that my religious life is some how, well it's progressing, hard to say it's better but it is progressing. The thing is the life I am leading now, I mean the fact that I have been more lazy than usual, even though I am not lazy, is okay for the majority, but for me its just so damn unacceptable. I can't live like this and I know it. And Naty. I love her. Something in her, it cries to be loved. It cries to me. And my friends wouldn't get that, they don't get how much we have in common or how or lives seem to constantly be in parallel. So much shit about this trip about all this experience seems so damn surreal. I am in a foreign country and I am came to learn Spanish, and to be exposed to Latin America. I will come back nearly fluent and most likely I will end up marrying this girl, barring any unforeseen occurrences. I have already learned so much about myself. I am my own biggest critic. I know my defaults, my weaknesses. I suck at concentrating, I am not good an relaxing, I eat when I am nervous, and in general I just eat. I am not confident when it comes to girls, not even Naty. The thing about that though, is that now I know we are in love, and that it is completely mutual, cause she gets nervous too. She wants me around as much as I want her around, which is always, but both of us are afraid to act on that, I mean like calling each other and being like where are you or whatever...i mean we do but its always in jest, always jokingly. She just so damn young you know, and sometimes its so damn obvious, but its not a young in the sense that she be more experienced than she is, she isn't naive, she just has a lot more to see, and she is a freshman. But this girl...God knows, something in her, her eyes are open and she's confident, i see myself in her sometimes...but its not me I am seeing its that spark, that spark that presents itself in the eyes of those who know they are meant for more. The saints. The ones who know who they are but aren't sure how to act on that fact, the kind that if they meditate enough, if they have the right teacher...have no limits. We could be something ridiculous. I need her support, she's got a flare about her, a no bullshit attitude, and I need that, cause I drag my feet...i always drag my feet and I always am saying sorry and apologizing and regretting instead of going, moving forward. I need to do my prayers and my reflections 3 times a day. No matter what. No matter what. I need to control my eating and I need to stop procrastinating. I need to get good sleep and I need to exercise. I need God, I beg God to show me how to organize my life so that I may do his bidding in its every aspect. I am His in the end. I love my life and I love existence. I pray for those who do not. I want to wake them up. It is what I live for. Watch out MTV I pulled your card first.

wake up to live please

I feel like for the last week or so I have been in a total daze. I think it's the fact that I have a girlfriend. The fact that in my free time i am usually with her. The fact that this all I want and that always is never enough. I have never had a girlfriend. And so I start to doubt myself. I must be naive. I know nothing about what it takes or what it means to have a girlfriend. All I know is that I love her, that I constantly long to have her at my side. I know people would give me shit if they knew I told her that I loved her. After two weeks. Fuck. Then I think about the future and how if we really end up staying together...i mean really staying together how cute that would be, the fact that i knew from the outset, that maybe I'm really not that naive, because i really feel this. Through and through.

The other thing is that I want to wake up. I am a gift of purity. I thought that was the key. Now i think I need to do more fasting and make more sacrifices. To offer them to God and to take control of myself.

I always think about the concept of being a soldier for Christ these days. About how its a different type of soldier. A more powerful soldier that finds his strength in his weakness, in his completely commitment and servitude to Christ.

I want to write more on both of these things, but i am tired. going to bed. hopefully tomorrow...

Mi amor en cuerpo en alma.

Vuelve corazón, Vuelve a mi lado.

I love that she's happy. I love that she smiles and is constantly laughing with her friends. I love that she loves life and that she has growing up to do. I love that she looks at me when we kiss, and that she knew why I walked through the crowd in the manner that I did the other day. I love little kids. She and I already have enough names for ten. Who the hell does that? Who the hell decides after a week and a half of dating that the wedding will take place in Chile and that it will not happen in the states. And then we look at each other and both agree that none of this is our fault but God's. Who blames God for these kind of things out of love? To think I could say, and have said, that I love this girl. We are ridiculous. I mean I understand Spanish, but at this point I definitely can't speak it as well as I want to or will. It is still so basic, but the way she holds on to me makes me feel like I've already learned it. It's not even a question that I will. That's even crazy. I will speak Spanish, and I will probably have Spanish speaking children with a Chilean mother. I can't believe I just said that either, but seriously, I haven't been this sure of anything, like this, ever in my life. Ridiculous. I am going to stop writing. I am scarring myself. But the last thing. her smile. I can't get over it. i see it and i am completely in love, and that face she makes, the one where she is pleased at life and herself...that one. I hope I don't ever forget that face when I have to leave. I don't want to leave. I will come back, but I don't to leave her, it all seems so cruel. fuck.

first of november

its the first of november. all saints day. i drank on halloween but,did not get drunk. bueno. i miss naty. i really do. i love her and i think we will get married. who wouldn't want to come to a chilean wedding. really? i mean. come on. love tim.

H to the IZZO V to the IZZE

Life. It turns on you. You have to thank God for the good times and remember that they can get bad. That you can hit rock bottom, and still get up, and get up fighting. I don't understand my girlfriend. And I am not talking about the language barrier. I am talking about the fact that I don't get her, I mean I do a little more each day but yeah...this whole weekend I was worried. I was worried because I love her and because I can't take another heart break. I can't take another Tanya who doesn't know what's shes got when she's got it or when its gone. She was right though. I didn't love her, I wanted to, but I didn't. I hope God gives her what she deserves, a good guy who will treat her better then a loser like Stevie ever could. But yeah, enough of that. Cause I am in love, and this time it is what it should be. She fits me. Well. But the last two weekends I was home. I was home because there was the possibility of going with her to Lota, a small mining town on the dilapidated Carbon Coast of Chile. But it never happened. And then at school, she doesn't show the same affection that she does when we are anywhere else. And its not the public, or her friends that bug her, no she's an extrovert, its the other gringos. Anyway...the thing is that after coming of a weekend where the girl doesn't even call me, but texts me about how she can't go and that she's sorry and how "te quiero's" me...yeah, it's just tough to know how she really feels. But then today happened. And it was all me and my crazy head, per usual. We talk about the craziest shit. About how we are going to have tons of kids, and get married in Chile. Yeah. God gave me this one for sure. Sorry about the stream of consciousness, but the truth is you shouldn't be reading this anyway. This is my blog and it's for my eyes only. Thanks God, for Naty. And for the fact that you do this crazy stuff to me. I am yours. always and for ever, unto enternity. Like I had a choice.

Kill it.

I am not going to worry about this anymore. I am going to give it to God, like I should have done to begin with. It was his gist to give and mine to be grateful for. If it works out great, if not then it wasn't meant to be. This is the truth of it. The other side is that I am in love with this girl, and I don't want to lose her, I wan tto grow with her and i want her to know how much she means to me. I want to learn spanish so I can communicate her, it is now my strongest motivation. I have been looking for this for such a long time, something real, and not cheap. I will continue to pray but I will cease to worry.

Who are you?

Who are You?

Romans 12:2: Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

View of God

First and foremost God is love and God’s love manifests itself in us through his Grace and our Faith. God thirsts for our love and for our complete commitment to him. He thirsts for souls. God is Truth and his truth is peace. His peace is manifested through his truth because his truth brings order and without his order there is Chaos. Christ is his son and he is our Sheppard, Christ came to earth so that we would be made new and whole in him with the guidance of the Holy Spirit who is still with us today. Christ is the Eucharist and the Mass is Heaven on Earth. God is not a judge in the human sense of the term, in that his judgment is not driven by his desire to punish but by his love for us and his desire that we live our lives to their fullest potential. Only by following God’s law can we fully recognize who we are and what we are meant to be come. His laws are not to be thought of as boundaries in which we are trapped and can not escape but instead markers on a path that we must follow in order to have peace in our daily lives and to finally come to rest in the eternal peace that is heaven. God wants only the best for his children and His love is the key.

View of what’s really “reality”?

Reality is that our existence is precious. Reality is that we were given the gift of life and that our life is a life of service to God and his people. Reality is that we must love or perish. Reality is that this world is based in the truth of God and his plan for humanity. We do not decide this plan for ourselves or for others; we merely discern this path and freely choose to follow or not to follow it. Either we think we know better or we admit that God knows all and that we are dependent on his revelation. This world IS NOT relative. In reality this world is in chaos because we have chosen to be our own god. Reality is that we were made in the image and likeness of God, but we are NOT god. We are merely a manifestation of him and for this we must be careful not to fall into the trap of self worship and salvation. This is why there is so much Chaos, because we have forgotten who we are and we have forgotten that our knowledge and lives are finite, where as God’s knowledge and existence is infinite and not limited by the flesh. Reality is that with out love God’s light can not shine, we must be the light in this world of darkness and we can not be this light with out committing ourselves completely to servitude in Christ. In service, Christ shines through our example, because in service we are a manifestation of Christ and his total love and commitment to humanity.

View of humanity?

Humanity is made up of many individuals who collectively belong to one body, that body is the human family, and the human family is the body of Christ. Each of us is connected to the other in this bond, and we must always be aware of the need to help our brother so as to help ourselves. Each human being is heaven sent and called to sainthood. We are meant to love God and to serve him, this commitment is to manifest itself in our love for our brother and out of our love for the gift of life. Humanity will perish with out the truth of Christ and with out his love. Humanity is in chaos because it has forgotten Christ and it has forgotten its brothers. It is selfish and it is self-serving. This is contrary to who we are and what we are meant to be. Because of this we will continue to suffer and the current apocalypse will continue as the rivers run red with the blood of the hungry, the impoverished, and war.

View of moral order (What’s right and what’s wrong?)

Right is the path of Christ, wrong is any path that does not conform to his ideals. Let me be clear that it is possible to follow the path of Christ without acknowledging it is the path of Christ. Even still, it is still the path of Christ and for this it is right, not because you decided it is right. Wrong is not subscribing to the truth, not admitting that there is actual truth, or outright rejecting truth. Relativism is wrong and it manifests itself in the reckless endangerment of you and your brothers. Wrong is considering yourself the be all and the end all. In the end you are nothing without Christ, from dust you came and from dust you will return. Being humble is right.

View of purpose (why things exist?)

We exist to love and to rejoice in the fact that we were given life in order to share in God’s eternal Glory. Life is the greatest gift and for this gift we are joyfully and eternally indebted to God our Father. We repay this debt with love and the discernment of His will. This itself is a gift because through our love and our service to him and our common man we recognize our full potential and find peace in our lives.